Relationship changes are one of the hardest parts of life. As we grow and change, people move in and out of our lives and it's hard to know how to handle things. We are not taught how to maintain important relationships once the person is not in our day to day life anymore. But the experience is different for those who leave and those who are left behind. I have always been the one left behind, so most of what I'm going to offer is for others like me, but if you're the one who is leaving or has left, don't check out. This will give you insight into what your friend is going through AND I do have some advice for you as well. You might be wondering why I am even talking about this topic. Well, for one thing, it's something that has personally affected me a LOT and I've been talking to some friends about it quite a bit in the last year. But also, I work with high school seniors and the transition from high school to college can be really hard on friendships. I'm not talking specifically to any one age group because I think these things apply to any age, but I do think it serves my seniors well. Let's get into it!
There are two ways that a friendship drifts apart. The first is literal distance where one person moves away but the other is when schedules and activities change. Most of my friendships that cooled were the latter. I would make a friend because we were in a shared activity or class and then they would leave it and we wouldn't interact anymore. I know that this phenomenon continues into adulthood, but I think it's hardest on kids and I don't think there is a whole lot that can be done about it. When people are young, it's very hard to stay in touch. Kids just don't have the tools necessary to do it well. They can't drive, they used to not have cell phones, and their time gets filled with other friends in their new activities. As a child, I would be very hurt when I lost friends in this way because I felt abandoned and like I wasn't worth their time to stay in touch with. I've since come to understand it much better and realized that it was not like that at all but that only came through time, maturity, and a little bit of counseling. If you've experienced that hurt too, I hope you can find healing as you look back on it now. But what about when people move? How can a friendship survive the distance? There are a few important things you need to know to make this work. #1 - Things Will Change You have to realize that your relationship will change. You are no longer in each other's day to day lives and the person who moves will need to find a new community. The one who stays needs to learn to accept that reality and even desire for their friend. You should want your friend to have support and community in their new home because you love them and want what is best for them and you know you can't be there for them in the same way, as much as you wish you could. This does not negate the history you have, the memories, or how close you were. You can still be very close even from a distance, but you won't be in each other's daily lives. #2 - It Takes Two Long distance relationships are a LOT of work. You have to be very intentional because the opportunities to connect won't just fall into your lap. Calling, texting, video chatting, or writing a letter require that you think to do it and then set aside the time. If both people aren't willing or able to put effort into the relationship, it can lead to bitterness, resentment, and feelings of abandonment and rejection. I'm not saying that both parties have to be exactly giving 50/50 all the time. There can be seasons where one person carries more of the relationship than the other, but if one party isn't giving anything or when they do engage are much more surface level than the other person, that is not sustainable. #3 - Give Grace This change is hard on both parties. The one who moved is starting over. New place, new people, everything is new and they have to work hard to build a new life. The one who stayed is trying to live life with a piece missing. Both are grieving different things and doing it in different ways. Trying to transition your friendship to long-distance is going to come with bumps and issues that need worked out. It isn't easy and it requires grace, along with communication. #4 - Communicate I can't stress this one enough. Now more than ever you HAVE to be honest and share what you're feeling. But you also have to be understanding. When the friend who stayed says that they are feeling neglected, that is not a judgement on the one who moved. It's them being honest about how they feel and it may not have anything to do with what the friend who moved is doing or not doing. Sometimes our feelings aren't in line with reality but it's still how we feel. The friend who moved needs to be able to share their joys and struggles about establishing a new life and community without being afraid they will hurt their friend's feelings. Talk about what is working or not working with how you are staying in touch. Be flexible and willing to adjust as things go along. To The One Who Stayed It's hard. Nothing else in your life has changed except a piece is missing. There are potentially daily reminders that things are not as they were. You may feel abandoned, rejected, neglected, or forgotten. What is important for you to know is that your friend moving on with their life does not mean they have forgotten you. It is imperative that they form new friendships and new community in their new home. It's okay to mourn what you've lost, it's healthy even, but don't let insecurities poison your friendship. If possible, try to talk to them before the move and work out some ways to keep the relationship strong, knowing that you'll probably need to adjust it as time goes on. Also know that there will likely be seasons where you are in contact more than others and that is normal. To The One Who Moved What you are experiencing is also so hard and those of us who haven't done it can't fully know just how hard it is. What your friend needs from you most is to know that you have not forgotten them. We see you making new friends and doing fun new things and it can seem like you don't us anymore. Words saying how much we mean to you and how much you love us are nice but actions speak louder than words. If you say that someone is important to you, back it up by putting effort towards maintaining the relationship. Be intentional to stay in touch, even if it is in small ways. We know that you need to form a new community and we want that for you, but we also need to know that you still need us. So what about when this doesn't happen? What about when a friendship cools and drifts apart? It happens and it is HARD. The first step is to recognize that this has happened and be able to let it go. It's not always easy to discern what is just a season of distance and what is evidence that the relationship has drifted apart. If you come to the conclusion that this is no longer a close relationship, take time to mourn that. You have experienced a loss and need to treat is as such. Eventually the hope is that you can come to a place of accepting the new relationship and love your friend the best you can in a more emotionally distant way. It's hard to put into words but some friendships go from close to more like acquaintance and so you are still in occasional contact but you may go weeks or months without communicating. Other times the relationship pretty much does just end and you have to grieve that in a different way. This is all what I have learned from years of experience and doing it wrong many times. I've held on to relationships too long, I've not grieved losses well, and I've let insecurities and perceived hurt get in the way of long-distance relationships. This is tough stuff and no one teaches us how to deal with it. I hope that this helps someone and I'd be happy to talk to people more about it if they want or need to. Just send me an email at [email protected]. I"m not a counselor or therapist so none of this is licensed advice but rather it's what I've learned through my lived experiences.
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Hi! I'm Sarah!
I am a natural light portrait photographer. I've been taking photos since 2014 and would eat a smoothie from Tropical Smoothie Cafe for lunch everyday if I could. Thank you so much for stopping by. I blog about sessions, things I'm learning, stuff in my life, and information for YOU, my client. If you like what you see around the site, I'd love to work with you! I'd also love to connect with you on Instagram. I'm @sarah_jayne_photo :) Archives
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